After a long 24 hour bedside vigil, I was finally able to come home, change my clothes and shower. But it\u2019s not over. I\u2019ll go back to her bedside shortly, and breathe in her precious smell until she smells like heaven.<\/p>\n

I know how this goes. My youngest sister will be the fourth beloved, precious family member we will lose in just over a year.<\/p>\n

Oh, Lord, I just don\u2019t understand. What is going on here???<\/em><\/p>\n

Last year, on Christmas morning no less, we first learned Heidi had a brain tumor. Later that same week we were informed it was glioblastoma \u2013 the fastest growing, most deadly and ruthless form of brain cancer with an average prognosis of 12 \u2013 14 months Screaming into Nothingness (when God disappears)<\/a>. Here we are, in month 13 and she is days (maybe hours?) away from dying. Heidi is anything but average, but in death, her numbers will align fairly well with the statistics.<\/p>\n

She will leave behind a husband, Chad, who has been her best friend since forever. They were married 23 years. Chad and Heidi have two children \u2013 Ashley, 17, a high school senior, and Nate, 14, an eighth grader. Don\u2019t tell me they\u2019ll be okay. They won\u2019t – at least not yet. Their momma is about to die.<\/p>\n

Oh, Lord, I just don\u2019t understand.<\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s NOT okay to lose your momma when you\u2019re a teenager. I have analyzed this situation from every angle and I can find nothing that makes sense or eases the pain. And I think I could punch someone in the face right now who tries to tell any of us how God works all things together for the good.<\/p>\n

There is no way this can be good. No way.<\/p>\n

Unless, perhaps…. Unless I don’t understand what “good” really is….<\/p>\n

As a family we have all wrestled with mortality and God and His plan throughout Heidi\u2019s illness. But one night, while in a long nighttime wrestling match with God, I suddenly wondered if His idea of good is simply not the same as ours. Maybe He doesn\u2019t have a Webster\u2019s. Maybe when He Google\u2019s \u201cgood\u201d, He doesn\u2019t read of the things we typically think of (health, wealth, prosperity, fitting into your size 6 jeans, sipping wine along the Cour Mirabeau in Aix-en-Provence, France\u2026)<\/p>\n

If God is good, and I have NO DOUBT He is, then His definition of good CANNOT be the same as ours.<\/p>\n

Because, Oh, Lord, I just don\u2019t understand you otherwise.<\/em><\/p>\n

It\u2019s interesting, but in my experience, the things that we typically think of as \u201cgood\u201d and as our \u201cblessings\u201d are often the things that create a separation between God and us. They are things that, often unintentionally and often subversively, lead us to believe we don\u2019t need a God. Things like enough money (or too much), enough food (or too much), enough vacation (or too much), enough or too much of everything, as well as the absence of disease and absence of trials.<\/p>\n

Conversely, it is the sufferings of this life that bring us to our knees and to the place where we find our desperate need of a Savior.  And I believe that more than anything God longs to draw us closer to Him. He wants nothing more for all to come to know him and accept the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ as Savior.<\/p>\n

So what if maybe, just MAYBE…., in God\u2019s dictionary, \u201chealth\u201d is not the absence of disease, but, instead, one who knows he\/she is nothing apart from Christ, and that we live and breathe and have our being in Him alone.  Since God IS good, and longs to give us good things, MAYBE, “health” has nothing to do with our physical bodies.<\/p>\n

Maybe, in God\u2019s dictionary, \u201cwealthy\u201d does not refer to one who has a hefty savings and retirement account, drives a fancy car, and owns all manner of material possessions. Maybe being wealthy actually means to understand that friends, family and a purpose in life are some of the richest gifts offered to us. Maybe we\u2019re rich when we realize how little we actually need \u201cthings\u201d and start living more simply \u2013 when we have more time for people instead of accumulating and maintaining our \u201cthings\u201d.<\/p>\n

Maybe wealth is the opposite of what we always thought.<\/p>\n

Maybe, in God\u2019s dictionary, a \u201cblessing\u201d isn\u2019t a concept we can actually get our heads around. Maybe, saying we\u2019re \u201cblessed\u201d when referring to health, wealth, jobs, children and good fortune causes great pain to those struggling with cancer, infertility, unemployment, a prodigal son\/daughter, rape, poverty, oppression, rejection, loneliness, etc. because it implies God has withheld<\/em> His blessings from those people.<\/p>\n

ESPECIALLY – oh especially – when we Christians suggest it is the LACK of faith that produces suffering in this life are we guilty of serious theological malpractice!<\/p>\n

Are suffering people NOT blessed???  Are we able to escape all trouble and heartache if our faith is simply strong enough??? When people suffer from the evils in this world is it a reflection of their lack of faith???<\/p>\n

Hell no.<\/p>\n

It just can\u2019t be. Or God is not good. God must have a different definition of \u201cblessed\u201d then we do.<\/p>\n

Otherwise, God, I just don\u2019t understand.<\/em><\/p>\n

So, I decided to start reading God\u2019s dictionary. I cannot make sense of Heidi\u2019s passing any other way. I need a God who IS GOOD. One whom I can trust even when I\u2019m angry at Him. One who IS PRESENT everywhere. One who doesn\u2019t pick and choose favorites and grant the rich, the beautiful, and those born into first-world countries more \u201cblessings\u201d than the rest.<\/p>\n

This is what I found in God\u2019s dictionary:
\n\u201cBlessed are the poor in spirit \u2013 for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
\nBlessed are those who mourn \u2013 for they shall be comforted.
\nBlessed are the meek \u2013 for they shall inherit the earth.
\nBlessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness \u2013 for they shall be filled.
\nBlessed are the merciful \u2013 for they shall be shown mercy.
\nBlessed are the pure in heart \u2013 for they shall see God.
\nBlessed are the peacemakers \u2013 for they shall be called children of God.
\nBlessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness \u2013 for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.\u201d Matthew 5: 3 \u2013 10<\/p>\n

So as I resume this bedside vigil there are TWO things I can know for sure: Chad and family will be comforted. And Heidi, well, she shall soon see God, for she is truly pure in heart.<\/p>\n

This precious family does not have the \u201cblessings\u201d that most people think of \u2013 they are in the valley of the shadow of death and this is an impossibly sad and difficult place. But, I\u2019ve just GOT to believe that according to God\u2019s dictionary, they are blessed indeed.<\/p>\n

Otherwise, Lord, I just don\u2019t understand. You just don\u2019t make any sense to me.<\/em><\/p>\n

And then the Lord said to me:
\n\u201cTrust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.\u201d Proverbs 3:5<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

After a long 24 hour bedside vigil, I was finally able to come home, change my clothes and shower. But it\u2019s not over. I\u2019ll go back to her bedside shortly, and breathe in her precious smell until she smells like heaven. I know how this goes. My youngest sister will be the fourth beloved, precious […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_genesis_hide_title":false,"_genesis_hide_breadcrumbs":false,"_genesis_hide_singular_image":false,"_genesis_hide_footer_widgets":false,"_genesis_custom_body_class":"","_genesis_custom_post_class":"","_genesis_layout":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6,16,29,30,33,36,1],"tags":[49,65,74,111],"yoast_head":"\n