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{"id":4332,"date":"2023-04-13T20:56:02","date_gmt":"2023-04-13T20:56:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cindydeboer.com\/?p=4332"},"modified":"2023-04-13T20:56:06","modified_gmt":"2023-04-13T20:56:06","slug":"leaky-breasts-and-other-hot-messes","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cindydeboer.com\/2023\/04\/13\/leaky-breasts-and-other-hot-messes\/","title":{"rendered":"Leaky Breasts and Other Hot Messes"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Recently, while at work at the psychiatric hospital, I caught a glimpse of myself in a patient\u2019s bathroom mirror and noticed a large wet spot on my t-shirt just below my left breast. It was an odd location for a spill, but I chalked it up to my clumsiness and threw on a hoodie to conceal the spot. But minutes later, I felt wetness on my right side, too. I snuck away into the bathroom and peered under my sweatshirt. Sure enough, just like a breast-feeding mama who forget to put her nursing pads in place, I had two huge wet spots under both my breasts.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

My heart picked up pace and I felt flushed. Something was wrong. Very wrong. Not only can I not even REMEMBER those breast-feeding days, my chemo-riddled body is decidedly void of hormones that might stimulate lactation.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, a psych hospital is a dizzying busy place that offers no time to \u201cdeal\u201d with such a situation. I pressed on in my work and did my best to feign a \u201ccaring nurse.\u201d Honestly, I didn\u2019t care about anybody anymore \u2013 I just wanted to know why the heck my boobs were leaking! My t-shirt grew more and more soggy as my shift wore on. I secretly took my pulse, temperature, and blood pressure. All normal. I tried to convince myself I was fine. But as soon as I could steal a minute away, I Googled, \u201cWhy are my post-menopausal breasts leaking?\u201d My heart sank as I discovered there\u2019s no reason EVER that old ladies\u2019 boobs should leak. Except cancer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I don\u2019t know how I made it through those 8 hours at work. I was certain I had cancer and I was certain this was the beginning of my end.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Once home, I shared me news with Paul and told him it had to be cancer. We shared a few somber moments of quiet fear. This wasn\u2019t the first time I\u2019d been certain of pending doom, but this time really did feel ominous.<\/p>\n\n\n

\n
\"\"
This is my shirt when I got home from work.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n

I purposely procrastinated on calling my doctor the next morning. I wanted one last day of living without confirmation of cancer. Grief hung around my neck like a chain of bricks. I cancelled lunch with a friend. I lied to my daughter and said I didn\u2019t have time to talk. I googled some more things which nudged me further off the cliff of despair. By nightfall, full-on hysteria had set in. All I could think of was all the things I\u2019d miss by dying so young: my daughters getting married, meeting our future grandchildren, publishing my book, and family vacations and holidays. And – worst of all \u2013 I didn\u2019t want to die before my sweet mother. She\u2019s already lost one daughter way too soon, I didn\u2019t want her to suffer like that again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Totally exhausted from whipping through ALL five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance \u2013 in less than 24 hours, I decided to decompress with a hot shower. While there, I looked down at my tired breasts and thought, \u201cMan, they sure don\u2019t look sick. It\u2019s so weird that these two things that have served me so well, are going to be the death of me.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And that\u2019s when I received my shower epiphany. I suddenly wondered if these worn-out breasts weren\u2019t to blame after all. As quickly as I could towel-dry, I ran downstairs to our laundry area and picked up the bra I had worn to work the night before. I grabbed a scissors and without any reserve of destroying a perfectly good $50 bra, I cut into that sucker and the \u201cgentle padding\u201d that lined the cups. My heart sank when the padding was only that: a \u201cbarely there\u201d bit of thin foam. However, something prompted me to go full-on surgeon and rip into the center of the foam. Lo and behold \u2013 there, at the center of the padding was a little thin plastic case of nothing. It held NOTHING, because the SOMETHING it once held had already leaked out all over me and my t-shirt at work!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That stupid old bra of mine had probably been worn and washed so many times that the little silicone \u201cenhancer\u201d pads had basically cracked \u2013 bathing me in silicone juice.<\/p>\n\n\n

\n
\"\"
Who thought this was a good idea to hide silicone pouches inside a piece of foam? Definitely a bra made by a dude.<\/figcaption><\/figure><\/div>\n\n\n

So, it doesn\u2019t look like I\u2019ll be dying today, anyway.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now, there\u2019s two ways to process this leaky breast ordeal \u2013 either I\u2019m an idiot OR\u2026 I\u2019m just suffering from some form of PTSD like the rest of the world and will hastily jump to \u201cthe sky is falling\u201d when there\u2019s the slightest inkling something is off. I prefer to believe the latter.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s true though, isn\u2019t it? Aren\u2019t we all on edge? In no way am I suggesting this is akin to military-service PTSD. Not even close to the same thing. But it is feels to me that we, all humanity, is experiencing many of the symptoms that categorize PTSD. No one is sleeping anymore. When in public, our hearts stop at every loud \u201cpop\u201d or \u201cbang\u201d thinking we\u2019ve just been shot because, well, there\u2019s a good chance we have been. When people cough or sneeze into our personal space we wonder if we\u2019ve caught the next deadly strain of COVID. We turn on the evening news with fear and trepidation wondering what terrible thing a leader has said or done, or what natural disaster has laid claim to unsuspecting regular people, or what new inciting incident will now add to our growing racial divide? It\u2019s like we\u2019re all expecting Freddy Kreuger to walk in on us at any given moment. Every day there is something, isn\u2019t there? Something that adds to our unrest and builds our stress-level.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So how do we live peaceably in this world full of turmoil and conflict?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Oh friends, I\u2019m not even talking to any of you anymore. I\u2019m full-on talking to myself now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019ve got to take my own medicine. As a psychiatric nurse, I often give my patients advice on how to \u201cwind down\u201d when they are all \u201cwound up.\u201d My best tips include things like deep breathing exercises, reading scripture, go for a walk, talk to a trusted friend or family member, connect with nature, do something kind for someone else.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But my number one piece of advice to my troubled patients in these troubled times and which I\u2019m currently desperate to receive is this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

GIVE YOURSELF GRACE.<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s okay if we\u2019re not okay. For now, it\u2019s okay to acknowledge we are struggling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s okay if tasks take a little longer than we\u2019d like them to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s okay if we\u2019re forgetting things more often than we used to.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s normal if we\u2019re not sleeping as well as before.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s okay if we\u2019re not \u201csprinting\u201d out of the fog, but instead feel more as if we\u2019re crawling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s okay if we feel our faith has been rattled. That\u2019s standard fare for PTSD.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s perfectly fine, healthy, and good to be seeing a therapist and we need to put an end to any stigma associated with mental self-care here and now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

COMFORT FROM SCRIPTURE<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.\u201d Philippians 4: 6-7<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Amidst such a tumultuous time in history, it\u2019s not going to make sense when we find that peace, friends. It WILL surpass our own understanding as well as that of others. But, it\u2019s that EXACT radical and unexplainable peace that is ours for the taking.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I\u2019m thinking I need this verse tattooed on my forearm or something. I certainly forgot all about it when my bra burst.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We\u2019ve been through a lot, friends. Life has just been A LOT. And there really isn\u2019t any sign on the horizon that things are going to get better this side of heaven. Our only hope going forward is to trust the promises of HE, THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN BE FULLY TRUSTED. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A FINAL GIFT TO YOU<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

If I can leave you with just one positive thing today, let it be this: Put this song on your favorite listening app and play it over and over and over until it gets stuck in your head like Baby Shark<\/em> or It\u2019s a Small World<\/em>:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Andrew Peterson\u2019s:\u00a0 Be Kind To Yourself<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And if you\u2019re looking for a new tattoo, this part of the song, where Jesus is speaking, would make a good one:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

You can’t expect to be perfect
It’s a fight you’ve gotta forfeit
You belong to me whatever you do
So lay down your weapon, darling
Take a deep breath
And believe that I love you<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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