I speak from experience. We just moved into our first (and last) fixer-upper. We chose the house because of the neighborhood \u2013 interesting social, religious, and economic diversity in a walkable neighborhood close to downtown Grand Rapids. We never once thought it\u2019d be \u201cfun\u201d to do a fixer-upper. In fact, because we don\u2019t have cable, we had never even heard of Chip and Joanna or seen their show before we were already knee deep in sheet rock.<\/p>\n

But, curiosity got the best of me \u2013 and when our spring break hotel had cable, I binge-watched like 28 episodes of \u201cFixer Upper.<\/a>\u201d And now, like the rest of the world, I have a huge fan crush on the duo. This fact pisses me off, because I really want to hate them for making fixing-upping look \u201cfun\u201d.<\/p>\n

However, as a REAL LIFE fixer-upper, AS WELL AS an expert on all things “Chip and Joanna”, I feel compelled to share our experience and contrast it to their show to expose them for the liars they are (or, to be fair, could it be they just have some incredibly crafty film editors??? It\u2019s just not possible they are so perfect, is it???):<\/p>\n

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• THEM<\/strong>: \u00a0Chip and Joanna generally run into one \u201cminor snag\u201d per renovation where they have to call the owner and ask for additional funds.\n
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  • US<\/strong>: \u00a0With REAL LIFE fixing-upping, the shocking discovery that you have blown your budget to crap happens daily. (In fact, if you\u2019re seriously contemplating a fixer-upper, you might want to ask yourself if you\u2019re okay with selling your plasma, hair, AND sperm \u2013 because the good Lord knows it\u2019s gonna cost you EVERYTHING else\u2026)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
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    • THEM<\/strong>: \u00a0The Gaines\u2019 kids are always polite, excited for their parents\u2019 latest project, and eager to lend a hand.\n
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      • US<\/strong>: \u00a0In REAL LIFE fixing-upping, your kids grow deaf to your endless requests for \u201chelp\u201d.\u00a0\u00a0 Our kids needed to take muscle relaxers to alleviate facial tension from all their eye-rolling.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
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        • THEM<\/strong>: \u00a0Chipanna (I\u2019m just going to call them that from now on, because they do life together so nauseatingly unified, they might as well be one…) don\u2019t have to wait three weeks for the dry-wall guy to show up, four weeks for the plumber, and an eternity for the carpenter who promised every day for a month he\u2019d be there tomorrow\u2026.\n
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          • US<\/strong>: \u00a0In the REAL WORLD, you might as well get your Pokemon Go up and going \u2013 because you will be killing ALL KINDS of time waiting for MR. NEVER-GONNA-HAPPEN to show up.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
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            • THEM<\/strong>: \u00a0Chipanna never accidentally rips out a support beam, or blindly drives a nail into a water pipe, or gets impatient putting polyurethane on the wood floors causing it all to bubble and have to be redone.\n
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              • US<\/strong>: \u00a0Just sayin\u2019\u2026..<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
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                • THEM<\/strong>: \u00a0I\u2019ve never seen Chipanna break a pane of stained glass window in a fixer-upper where the stained glass window was THE ONLY redeeming quality of the piece of crap house they were renovating\u2026..\n
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                  • US<\/strong>: \u00a0Again, just sayin\u2019\u2026..<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
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                    • THEM<\/strong>: \u00a0Joanna never swears at Chip.\n
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                      • US<\/strong>: \u00a0In REAL LIFE fixing-upping, well\u2026\u2026 no comment.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
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                        • THEM<\/strong>: \u00a0Chip has all kinds of sweet pet names for Joanna \u2013 like Jo, Jojo, Mama and Buttercup.\n
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                          • US<\/strong>: \u00a0During our renovation, my husband had some choice names for me, too \u2013 but nothing like those\u2026<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
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                            • THEM<\/strong>: \u00a0Chipanna never accidentally purchase a crack house.\n
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                              • US<\/strong>: \u00a0Yes, in fact, we did.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
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                                • THEM<\/strong>: \u00a0Chipanna never seem to have to deal with probation officers who show up at the door looking for the previous tenants.\n
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                                  • US<\/strong>: \u00a0Yes, in fact, they\u2019ve been at our door more than once.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
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                                    • THEM<\/strong>: \u00a0Joanna always looks so darn cute. Whether it\u2019s at the work site, antique shopping, or during the big reveal, she\u2019s invariably stunning.\n
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                                      • US<\/strong>: \u00a0Me? I showed up at the work site every day with bed head, bags under my eyes, my shirt on inside-out (to save on washing my paint clothes so often) and wearing an old pair of too-small running shorts which gave me a not-too-attractive constant wedgie.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
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                                        • THEM<\/strong>: \u00a0Chipanna always seem to throw together a hearty and healthy meal at the end of their long, hard work days.\n
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                                          • US<\/strong>: \u00a0In REAL-LIFE fixing-upping, your evening meals look like this: McDonalds, Subway, Subway, Subway, and then every fifth day you \u201ccook\u201d and make everyone a tuna-fish sandwich that tastes like paint because of all the paint-brushes you have \u201csaved for later\u201d in your refrigerator.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
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                                            • THEM<\/strong>: \u00a0Chipanna always gets the house done on time. Who are these freakin\u2019 demi-gods that they always meet their deadlines? How on God\u2019s green earth do they do it???\n
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                                              • US<\/strong>: \u00a0Even though we gave ourselves SEVEN FREAKING MONTHS for our renovation, we weren\u2019t even CLOSE to being finished when we moved in. Our house looked like a crack house and the worst-ever-KOA-campground had a baby. For our \u201cbig reveal”, our house looked like this:\n