Old Is The New Hot

In this culture where beauty, youth, and tight buttocks are valued more than oceanfront property and where ageism has moved from theory to fact, it is no wonder we fight aging with the tenacity of an NFL middle linebacker. Our culture tells us our best years are behind us once we hit 50 and we might as well start shopping for our headstone and buy the ham on buns for the “after” party.

But I beg to differ.

I turn 55 today. And because my daughter loves me so much she gave me this card:

And she couldn’t be more spot on. Because “hot” is defined as someone who’s got it going on. Someone who turns heads when they walk in the room (even if it’s because her skirt is tucked into her spanx). Someone who knows who they are, likes it, and holds their head high.

THIS LIST, my friends, showcases why we 50-something women are simply the hottest. We got it going on, girls. Yes, we do. Our 50’s truly are the BEST:

• Our eyesight diminishes. Yes, at first blush, that may seem like a negative – but it’s also true for all our friends and siblings at this age – which is our saving grace. After spending an entire day out recently visiting multiple places and people, I came home and checked my face in the mirror (after bedecking my READING GLASSES!) and discovered I looked like a freakin’ clown – my eyeliner was lopsided on my left eye and practically extended out to my ear on the right eye, my lipstick was bleeding into all my lip wrinkles, my blush looked like war paint painted on by a four year old, and my foundation made a brown line at my jaw line! But I just shrugged my shoulders and had a good belly laugh! Afterall, I had only been around others who were even older than me that day – so I’m sure they never noticed!

• Dusting becomes optional. One unbearably hot summer night in 1991 after our church softball game (does anybody play church softball anymore??? Those holy ball field events should be resurrected to help save America) we were invited to a couples’ home at the spur of the moment because they had a swimming pool. I remember sitting in their family room after the swim and noticing thick, thick dust on everything. I could have written my name on the coffee table, the TV, and the windowsills. I was 25 years old and thought that woman must be such a lazy slug of an old lady (she was 50-something at the time) and I was all kinds of ignorant judge-y toward her. Now that I’ve turned 50-something, I have the utmost respect for that woman. She was just mentoring me and showing me and how to live my best life. These days, you can come to my house anytime you want – even unannounced! – and I will be happy to “mentor” you, too!

• We become a GRANDPARENT!!! I’m pretty sure this is the coolest thing about our 50’s. COVID hasn’t let me have much time with my grandbaby. But I’ll tell you what – she is good, she is kind, and she is IMPORTANT. She’s already speaking 4 languages fluently, searching for a cure for LAM, and solving our refugee crisis and she’s barely five months old. She’s already the best child that ever walked this planet and she’s not even walking yet.

• We finally feel liberated enough to not wear any makeup at all when going to public spaces where actual people may see us. We know that we will scare people and we know they will talk about us, but we care about THAT as much as we care about the 973^rd TikTok video our kids want to show us.

• We know things. Important things that all the younger girls only wish they knew. Things like:
  • Never wash a chenille throw blanket
  • Never dump rice down the garbage disposal
  • Maybelline works just as well as Estee Lauder
  • It’s okay to let go of friendships that are exhausting.
  • The deli makes delicious food and if you serve it in your own bowls, no one has to know.
  • Unless you enjoy bladder infections, never hold your pee in
  • Never waste money on a strapless bra. Simply tucking down your straps works just as well
  • It’s so much quicker to run out and buy new miniblinds than to clean old ones

• Road rage seems to just disappear. With so much more time on our hands, we just don’t seem as frazzled. We’re not running 18 children in 23 directions for the 47^th day in a row and somehow we’re just more relaxed now. I now love driving and I now drive the actual speed limit and let other cars merge in politely instead of zipping past all the doggone slow drivers and flipping them off for making me late for the really, really, really important awards banquet of the sport for which my child spent her life learning only to sit the bench all year.

• We can now walk in our basements. The 50’s mean we finally have enough time to get around to sorting all those kids’ memory boxes and 30 plus years of “I’ll-get-to-it-someday” stuff. School art class “masterpieces,” little league trophies, Halloween costumes, birthday cards, special-moment baby clothes, the wedding dress, the wedding invitations, napkins, and programs (why, oh why???), and the china you always thought you’d need but never used – it is time, my friends – to say good-bye. Our 50’s are for dealing with basements. Not a moment before. Young mommas and anyone below 50, don’t you DARE take a precious moment from those precious years to dig through the boxes of “stuff.” You will have PLENTY of time for that when the last baby packs up her suitcase and moves out.

• We get a to get a dog again. This is definitely a blessing, but also a significant marker of the “downhill phase” of life. Upon getting married, most of us get a dog to see if we can take care of living things. If it works out alright, we decide to have children. Now, the children are gone and we’re pretty sure we screwed them all up, so we console ourselves by getting a dog again because dogs have pea-brains and don’t need therapy when they get older.

• We find Jesus. We may have known him our whole lives, but there’s something about our 50’s that unveils a whole new dimension to our spiritual life. God comes to us bigger, better, more loving, more inclusive, more merciful and gracious and more everything in our 50’s. I’m betting this continues on from here to the end. Perhaps it just takes living 50+ years to NEED a Savior to be all those things in order to experience him in all those ways.

To me, Jesus has been the very best part of my 50’s. Both now and forevermore. Amen.

“Wisdom belongs to the aged and understanding to the old.” Job 12:12

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