I Will Send You Flowers

I first realized I had a problem in the middle of the night. Since Mr. Insomnia is a regular third partner in our marriage bed, it was nothing new for me to still be wide awake at 3 a.m. But as I stared blankly at the ceiling for what felt like hours, the dark thoughts blanketing me were definitely new: “Why am I even still here? I add no value to this world anymore. Why stay? My life has no purpose anymore.”

And as daylight approached and slowly lit up our room, my soul became increasingly darker.

As a psychiatric nurse, I know darn well the symptoms of clinical depression and suicidal ideation… apparently, however, only in others. I almost missed it entirely as it crept up in my own life. Although it happened insidiously – like a drippy faucet that floods an entire basement – I still got very wet before I knew I needed help.

By the grace of God, I found the strength to confide in my husband how bad things were. He knew just the people to rally around me. In very short order, I had a friend’s condo waiting for me in Florida (much of my sad state can be blamed on SAD – Seasonal Affective Disorder), a friend who dropped everything in her busy life to come join me, one of the largest bouquets of spring flowers sent to our home, and a few timely phone calls that provided just the right “pick-me-up.”

Perhaps my lung disease has heightened my isolation, the heavy impact of COVID, and the resulting depression; but I also know of many, many others who (bravely) have shared similar heavy, dark emotions. I truly believe most of us are suffering some version of sadness and loss (perhaps PTSD?) from this insufferable COVID year.

Giving testimony to the state of our collective psyches is the universal rise in psychiatric hospital admissions, suicides and suicide attempts, drug dependency and alcoholism.

Fellow humans – we’re suffering. First of all, it is critical that we admit it. We were not created to live in this type of isolation, fear, and guardedness. We are starving for human interaction and a life laced with laughter, loved ones, long dinners, and live music. And if and when we come to terms with the suffering we’ve endured, we’re going to have to reach out and get some help.

So here are my BEST words for you today: GO AFTER IT! TAKE WHAT YOU NEED!!!

If there’s anything this last month of my life has taught me is that advocating for yourself is not only good and necessary, but it is a God-breathed practice of honoring the life he gifted us. Contrary to some ridiculous lie I picked up somewhere along the Christian way, to admit you need help and then asking for it is NOT a sin.

I think that for most of my life I viewed the word “Help” like any other four-lettered offensive swear word. I don’t know if it’s my restrained Dutch background, being an Enneagram 8 or just plain the sin of pride, but I’m so averse to asking for help, that I’ve wallowed in pain/suffering for days, weeks, months and years without ever telling a soul.

I wish I was the only one wired like that – trying to handle all my suffering alone. Because it’s a miserable way to live and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But sadly, I know I’m not the only one.

But lately I’ve been wondering about the redemptive work of evil. Even things as evil as COVID. What if a redeemable purpose of this COVID-crap is that it FINALLY brings some of us to our knees? What if those of us more stubborn types are finally humbled to the point of asking for help? Can it be that God is using something so ugly and BAD for our physical health to actually make us more spiritually and holistically healthier???

What if NOT finding the good in all of this bad we actually miss God?

What if he’s waiting for us to find HIM in all of this?

What if we surrendered our “political” posturing or “I must be right” attitudes or “You’re all stupid” positions and instead just focused on God and how he uses suffering to mature us?

What if we asked God to USE Covid to change us and mold us into who He wants us to be?

What if we all come out of this on the other side BETTER versions of ourselves instead of WORSE?

This year – this entire COVID nightmare – is NOT the time to pretend you are okay if you’re not. This is NOT the season to portray life and joyous living to the world while you’re dying on the inside. This is NOT an okay time to act like you’ve got it all together. This is NOT the time to play the hero.

We are in troubled, difficult times. We’re tired and like never before, we NEED each other!!!

This is a season for raw honesty. This is the season to find your trusted tribe and humbly reach out to tell them exactly what you need. One way we’ll know we are better off as humanity is when we can see people working together, building one another up, and helping one another in every possible way.

There have been so many times in my life when confronted the ugliest, rawest, most painful realities of this world (sex-trafficking, racism, child-slavery, refugee crisis, abortion, etc.) I often conclude with this statement, “Well, I do not know exactly what I can do about it, but one thing I know for sure, doing nothing is NOT an option.”

I don’t know what would have happened if my tribe had not come around me in my darkest days. I’m so thankful they didn’t choose to do nothing. I do not know exactly what I CAN do about the broad suffering around the world in response to COVID, but, as always, doing nothing is NOT an option for me. So, if you’re reading this blog, you are my friend and I want to help you. If you are having a hard time of it right now, shoot me an email (via my website) and I PROMISE YOU, I will send you a bouquet of flowers.

I am NOT joking. Sometimes I try to be funny and people don’t get me because I’m really not all that funny. This is NOT one of those times.

I’m totally serious. If you’re struggling today, e-mail me asap and I will send you flowers.

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