One of the lowest, crappiest things well-intentioned people say to you when they find out you have a terminal illness is this: βWell, you know, weβre all dying really.β
Of course we are. Nobody believes these bodies will last forever. But sometimes it just stinks to be me because someone gave me a TIME LINE. I feel like I have an expiration date written on my forehead of which healthy people know nothing about. When weβre healthy (I still remember those days fondly) we donβt really think about dying. In fact, we live as if weβre immortal. While disease free, Iβm not sure itβs even possible to wrap our minds around the fact that someday IT will happen to MEβ¦
At least I didnβt. I was living like Iβd live forever. Eating shit. Wasting time. Worrying about stupid stuff. Having petty fights. Chasing things. Praying only when life got hard.
These were all things I was going to work on, βSomedayβ.
βSomedayβ came crashing down hard on me when βSomeoneβ gave me that lifetime-timeline with an βapproximateβ end-date. Of course, no one knows EXACTLY when that end-date will be. But, more than likely, my life will be truncated dramatically by this stupid disease.
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HOWEVERβ¦.
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(In any story worth telling, there should always be a big HOWEVER, right?)
HOWEVERβ¦. With only a few years since my diagnosis and the subsequent slowing down of my life, Iβve learned about a million new things that I wouldnβt have known otherwise.
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1) Dying slowly provides opportunities to do some life editing.
When people die suddenly (at least those who are past their prime) we humans like to console one another and say stupid stuff like: βWell, at least he didnβt have to sufferβ, or βWhat a wonderful way to go βone moment on earth, the next moment with Jesus.β
I get why they say that stuff. Truth is, no one knows what to say to the dying or the grieving. We all just clamor for a few words and they always come out sounding stupid.
What I do know from my own experience is that when you find out your life may be cut short by an illness, but not immediately, you are left with a lot of time to think.
Some people, upon learning their days are numbered, might run out and get busy, busy, busy β doing all the things theyβve always wanted to do and seeing all the people theyβve ever known. Not me. Iβve SLOWED way down. Iβm sleeping more (a holy activity, if you ask me), Iβm praying more, watching nature more, sitting quietly on my porch and just thinking more, and doing LESS of the things that people generally ascribe importance to in their lives: work, entertainment, social engagements, etc.
Some days, every breath feels so incredibly holy that I just want to sit in silence and savor it. I want to thank God for every inhale and exhale and I donβt want to miss that opportunity by being busy. Dying has put God right in my face and being busy makes me feel like a shmuck because I can so easily ignore Him.
And so I think God gave me the opportunity to die slowly in order to ditch some baggage and edit my life down to a quieter, slower, better version of myself.
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2) Dying slowly gave me new eyes to see things Iβd previously overlook.
The tree outside my office window (the reclaimed crack-room) had small buds for leaves one day, and on the VERY NEXT DAY they grew an INCH! Yes, I measured!!! An INCH, my friends, in less than 24 hours!!! Do not tell me there is no God.
Squirrels can actually mate on the run. Itβs true. I watch them do it on the regular from my little crack-room-office.
Whenever Yulisa is excited or has exciting news to share with me her right eyebrow pops up just a little higher than her left one. If her emotion is better described as happiness, then her eyebrows stay even.
There is a very disheveled man who meanders through the parking ramp of my downtown market every Tuesday and begs people for money. Only on Tuesdays. And he smells like homelessness and his shoes have holes in them. The first time I stopped, looked him in the eye, and told him Iβd buy him some bread and apples, he looked directly back and me and said, βThank-you. And Thank-you for noticing me.β
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3) Dying slowly gives you time to say all the things youβve meant to say, or should have said, or simply havenβt said well in the past, to all the people you love the most.Β
Iβve got some work to do on this yet β but Iβm glad I still have more time to do it. Iβve tried to reach out to all the people I knew I had hurt or at least fell short on my end of the relationship responsibilities and Iβve asked for forgiveness. I know thereβs more out there, and I hope I can talk to them all eventually.
My sister Heidi had 13 months from diagnosis βtil heaven β and she was very sick and battling fiercely the entire time. She was robbed of the chance to leave much of a written βlove letterβ for her family regarding their futures. Iβm still mad at God for that. So Iβm trying to write down all the things Iβd most likely say to my kids when Iβm in my 60βs, 70βs, 80βs β just in case I donβt see those decades. I also want to address my future sons-in-law and future grandchildren in case I never get to meet them.
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I think if I spent a little more time on my porch quietly thinking I could expand this list to at least 25 things β because OF COURSE there are more than THREE things that dying slowly has taught me. But they say blogs should never be more than 1000 wordsβ¦. Whoever βtheyβ are must know that you, the reader, are losing interest right about nowβ¦.
Iβll just say this: Dying sucks always. Dying immediately like my cousin Zac at 23 in a tragic car accident, or my friend’s father by heart attack, or the lady down the street whoβs husband passed in his sleep leaving her with 10 kids β those situations suck WAY worse than mine. I have found some solace in dying slowly and Iβm trying to make the most of it.Β
Do not feel sorry for me. But instead, thank God for all the ways He uses evil in this world to draw others toward HIM!!! I am.
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Wow. Thank you for sharing. Time to get going on the important things in life!
Ahhh! So true. It’s so easy to get sucked into the unimportant stuff. I guess that’s why we pray for daily grace!!!
You write from your heart! Thank you for sharing with us! I will continue to pray for you and the family!
Thank-you, Cheryl! I will never turn down prayers!!!
Thanks again for your wise WORDS…. praying for your family! Tjn
Thank-you so much! And truly appreciate your prayers!
Wonderful Cindy! I had to read the squirrel sentence out loud to Jeff πππ
Ha!!! Love it!!! I’m actually a bit embarrassed by the amount of time I’ve spent watching squirrels mate…
Thank you – I have several people in my life who are dying slowly. This is humbling and helpful.
Thanks, Alyson. It’s the weirdest place ever to inhabit, this dying slowly space – but just like in everything, it is always comforting to know that we are not alone. Thanks for your encouragement and may you be the light and love to your friends who are also in the same, weird, dying slowly journey!
I read the verse this morning, about he makes all things new. It just occurred to me he does this in death too. Great writing from the heart my friend. XOXO
Oh Sherry – what a beautiful thought! As we begin this dying process, which feels like decay to us, is actually a renewal and restoration process for God!!! I love it!!!