After a long 24 hour bedside vigil, I was finally able to come home, change my clothes and shower. But it’s not over. I’ll go back to her bedside shortly, and breathe in her precious smell until she smells like heaven.
I know how this goes. My youngest sister will be the fourth beloved, precious family member we will lose in just over a year.
Oh, Lord, I just don’t understand. What is going on here???
Last year, on Christmas morning no less, we first learned Heidi had a brain tumor. Later that same week we were informed it was glioblastoma – the fastest growing, most deadly and ruthless form of brain cancer with an average prognosis of 12 – 14 months Screaming into Nothingness (when God disappears). Here we are, in month 13 and she is days (maybe hours?) away from dying. Heidi is anything but average, but in death, her numbers will align fairly well with the statistics.
She will leave behind a husband, Chad, who has been her best friend since forever. They were married 23 years. Chad and Heidi have two children – Ashley, 17, a high school senior, and Nate, 14, an eighth grader. Don’t tell me they’ll be okay. They won’t – at least not yet. Their momma is about to die.
Oh, Lord, I just don’t understand.
It’s NOT okay to lose your momma when you’re a teenager. I have analyzed this situation from every angle and I can find nothing that makes sense or eases the pain. And I think I could punch someone in the face right now who tries to tell any of us how God works all things together for the good.
There is no way this can be good. No way.
Unless, perhaps…. Unless I don’t understand what “good” really is….
As a family we have all wrestled with mortality and God and His plan throughout Heidi’s illness. But one night, while in a long nighttime wrestling match with God, I suddenly wondered if His idea of good is simply not the same as ours. Maybe He doesn’t have a Webster’s. Maybe when He Google’s “good”, He doesn’t read of the things we typically think of (health, wealth, prosperity, fitting into your size 6 jeans, sipping wine along the Cour Mirabeau in Aix-en-Provence, France…)
If God is good, and I have NO DOUBT He is, then His definition of good CANNOT be the same as ours.
Because, Oh, Lord, I just don’t understand you otherwise.
It’s interesting, but in my experience, the things that we typically think of as “good” and as our “blessings” are often the things that create a separation between God and us. They are things that, often unintentionally and often subversively, lead us to believe we don’t need a God. Things like enough money (or too much), enough food (or too much), enough vacation (or too much), enough or too much of everything, as well as the absence of disease and absence of trials.
Conversely, it is the sufferings of this life that bring us to our knees and to the place where we find our desperate need of a Savior. And I believe that more than anything God longs to draw us closer to Him. He wants nothing more for all to come to know him and accept the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ as Savior.
So what if maybe, just MAYBE…., in God’s dictionary, “health” is not the absence of disease, but, instead, one who knows he/she is nothing apart from Christ, and that we live and breathe and have our being in Him alone. Since God IS good, and longs to give us good things, MAYBE, “health” has nothing to do with our physical bodies.
Maybe, in God’s dictionary, “wealthy” does not refer to one who has a hefty savings and retirement account, drives a fancy car, and owns all manner of material possessions. Maybe being wealthy actually means to understand that friends, family and a purpose in life are some of the richest gifts offered to us. Maybe we’re rich when we realize how little we actually need “things” and start living more simply – when we have more time for people instead of accumulating and maintaining our “things”.
Maybe wealth is the opposite of what we always thought.
Maybe, in God’s dictionary, a “blessing” isn’t a concept we can actually get our heads around. Maybe, saying we’re “blessed” when referring to health, wealth, jobs, children and good fortune causes great pain to those struggling with cancer, infertility, unemployment, a prodigal son/daughter, rape, poverty, oppression, rejection, loneliness, etc. because it implies God has withheld His blessings from those people.
ESPECIALLY – oh especially – when we Christians suggest it is the LACK of faith that produces suffering in this life are we guilty of serious theological malpractice!
Are suffering people NOT blessed??? Are we able to escape all trouble and heartache if our faith is simply strong enough??? When people suffer from the evils in this world is it a reflection of their lack of faith???
Hell no.
It just can’t be. Or God is not good. God must have a different definition of “blessed” then we do.
Otherwise, God, I just don’t understand.
So, I decided to start reading God’s dictionary. I cannot make sense of Heidi’s passing any other way. I need a God who IS GOOD. One whom I can trust even when I’m angry at Him. One who IS PRESENT everywhere. One who doesn’t pick and choose favorites and grant the rich, the beautiful, and those born into first-world countries more “blessings” than the rest.
This is what I found in God’s dictionary:
“Blessed are the poor in spirit – for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn – for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek – for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness – for they shall be filled.
Blessed are the merciful – for they shall be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart – for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers – for they shall be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness – for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 5: 3 – 10
So as I resume this bedside vigil there are TWO things I can know for sure: Chad and family will be comforted. And Heidi, well, she shall soon see God, for she is truly pure in heart.
This precious family does not have the “blessings” that most people think of – they are in the valley of the shadow of death and this is an impossibly sad and difficult place. But, I’ve just GOT to believe that according to God’s dictionary, they are blessed indeed.
Otherwise, Lord, I just don’t understand. You just don’t make any sense to me.
And then the Lord said to me:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5
Cindy this is beautiful. So raw and yet so insiteful. We don’t really know what God’s blessings are but Heidi will soon. Hugs to you. I am sorry for your losses this year.
I was lead to this beautiful piece at a time when God knew I needed it the most. I have an end stage disease with no knowledge of the time period left ahead of me. Heidi was so blessed to have you with her as she continued her journey. Hugs to you!
God bless you!! Plunge forward with your understanding of who God is!!
I’m so sorry
Another wonderful post about another of life’s hard to understand subjects. Thank you
Oh, Cindy, you have all been on my mind and in my heart. Your post is beautiful in its honesty. It’s not fair, it’s not right, and I’m thankful that you’ve shared your struggle.
My heart aches for you. Love you.
Praying for you and you’re family our hearts break for you
I just love your honesty and ability to share your journey. Your sister and family have been on my mind a lot. Continued prayers for you all. Hugs.
So very true and so honestly written. We will never understand all of God’s purposes and directions in our lives. You have laid it out so honestly. Blessings to Heidi, Chad, the kids and the rest of your families.
Oh Cindy….hugs..tears and prayers.. wonderfully said..
Amen and Amen!
I love what you wrote. I lost my brother a little over a year ago and even though I know he is enjoying himself in heaven it has been my most challenging years here on earth to continue on. Asking reasons why sometimes we don’t get the answers but I know thru the trials there have been huge growth and blessings. We can’t see the big picture all the time. I know this because it wasn’t but 2 months later after my oldest brothers passing my middle brother finally rolled into the doctor for a check up and within that same week had a 6 bypass no symptoms at all and he is doing great today. This experience left me stunned and family and friends reeling but thru it all God was there to minister and to use the experience. Just like these words you touch others to question and take a moment and that plants a seed. Thankful we will see our loved ones in the future. Trying to make the most of the time now to witness for others to share in this future has become more pressing on my heart and that is the blessing I received. I never had a grandiose testimony that would knock people’s socks off but God gave me as sad as it is sometimes to me, this wonderful story to tell and it’s much easier to minister and relate too. So my terrible hurt turned into my blessing. I will continue to pray for you and your family there is pain and sadness but there can be joy too.I try not to look to the past, not worry about the future, but live in the moment. Blessing and continued peace
Beautifully written and shared with us. I needed to read this. I should memorize it. Thank you. God’s peace be with all of the family.
Im so sorry Cindy for the heartache you all are feeling! Beautiful words for a beautiful person :(Thinking of you and your family! !
From the heart – Cindy prayers for you and your family. Great memories of you girls. My heart aches for you.
Nancy (VanHill) Hubach
Thank you for this.
Our daughter and son in law attended a funeral
Last week for a friend who died from same type
Of cancer as Heidi. He was 37.
This week they got word of another friend diagnosed
With stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He and his wife just
Came home from hospital 4 weeks ago with their second child.
Your words to us are hard, beautiful and true.
Come Lord Jesus.
Thanks Cindy! I read this to our family, because like yours we have been suffering with medical hardship with two of our children. One had a Cancerous brain tumor and resulting brain injury and is disabled. The other just was diagnosed with Wegener’s an auto-immune disease. So much of what you shared has been taught to us through hardship. Our daughter (brain Cancer) claimed Proverbs 3:5-6 as her verse going into the surgery for the removal of her tumor. I believe it was God speaking directly to us as she shared this verse with us. Keep trusting in his plan for your family. You might understand better when looking back at this. Hugs! Kelly (schoonbeckk@calschools.org)
Oh sweet Kelly – how in the world can all this be happening to one family??? Yet another reminder of how it is just impossible to try to make sense of this life – we’ll drive ourselves crazy! Our only hope is in Christ Jesus and to trust that His ways are higher than ours (that used to drive me crazy when people said it to me…. so cliche!) And yet, in these dark days, it IS the very thing we must lean on. His promises are true. His love is real. His goodness stands. Even when we don’t see it. I will be praying for your family. I have accumulated quite a list of other families suffering from cancer and glioblastoma and it is astonishing just how much suffering is in our little circle here in the world. And, it is true that in some mysterious holy way, we can find strength from each other – so thank-you for sharing.
Incredible Cindy! May God be with your family. Love and prayers
Raw, passion filled, amazing truth. Your whole family is in our prayers.
Cindy, my mother died suffering of cancer back in 1974, 44 years from this Friday the 12th. I was a young married 23 yr old woman, my brother was 9 and my sister was 7. Mom struggled to have more children after me, miscarried at least 2 babies. My siblings are in their 50’s, beautiful servants of the Lord, married and happy. But the scars exist. Yes, Heidi’s children will be Ok because God isn’t calling your sister home without consideration of the needs of her family. He will call for them lovingly. Her children will grow up understanding 2 things. Never ever take life for granted, just because you are a Christian doesn’t mean bad things can’t happen, so they will keep relationships strong within the family and their friends. The 2nd thing is, they will be able to be strong for those who mourn. They will sit by them and not be afraid of the tears or anger that comes forth from those in grief. It will hurt all over again, but there will be a compassionate love for the hurting they couldn’t have had before. I learned so much about God, life, love, relationships in the past 44 years since Mom died. But there is a scar. If not, I wouldn’t be shedding tears as I write this. But in the past couple of months I was at the bedside of someone dying, holding their adult children and letting them cry. I don’t know if I could have done that before. God will use their grief for His Glory, but until then…..let the children cry, scream, whatever and just hold them. So sorry for your losses!
Oh Rebecca – such beautiful and true words! Thank-you so much! I know in my head that Heidi’s kids will be okay, the heart just doesn’t feel it yet. Your testimony is such a timely reminder of the truth that we all know – but quickly forget – that time does heal. And your insight as to the gifts that will now be given to Ashley and Nate because of their loss, namely, their ability to empathize and not just sympathize with others going through tremendous loss, is SO helpful! Oh the redemptive power of those in Christ! You’re so right, the scar remains, but the scar is a reminder that healing occurred. Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you for sharing!
Rebecca, Oh how true your Beautiful Words are! Thank You and Cindy for sharing your Beautiful Hearts and Souls with us.
Cindy, My Beautiful, Loving, Sister passed at 45 years old with the same cancer Your Beautiful, Loving, Sister has. We found out in August of 2009 and she passed in December of 2009. My Precious Mother and Best Friend passed in 2010. Each from different types of cancer. At that time I couldn’t understand what was going on. Now I know from their passings I’ve learned to be more Understanding, Loving and Caring with others that are going through such heartaches. To me that has been a Blessing. God will turn your precious family’s heartache into a Blessing. It’s just hard to see now. First you have to, Each in there on way, grieve for great your great loss. Yes, The scar from a broken heart will always be present. Yet, From that scar you will be able to Bless people in ways you never thought you would or could.
God Bless You and Your Precious Family has you continue on your journey here on earth. May we all find comfort in knowing We Will See Our Loved Ones Again.
I share in your pain. 4 years ago my sister died of the same kind of brain tumor. She left behind a husband of 24 years and 3 girls 6, 4 and 1 and a half. My dad died of a sudden heart attack last September. I went with one of my brothers and my mom to pick out the casket and my brother was not feeling well all that week. He went into the hospital. They kept him there till he was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia.
Asking why and why now is, was, and still frequents my mind. I still have hard days. Because like you it was and is so much to handle. I will pray for you in the coming days and months. Peace only in and through our Lord. Melanie
Oh Melanie – that depth of pain is incomprehensible. Likewise, I will be praying for you and your family. The weird of beauty of social media is to discover that we are not alone in our pain. We know that we have our Heavenly Father is close as every breath we take, but it is so comforting to know other humans are walking alongside us and sharing the pain, too. Thank-you for sharing.
CINDY, Melanie, I’m so Sorry for y’all’s loss…You and ALL the Family will be in my Prayers!! MAY GOD’S PEACE BE FOREVER IN YALL’S HEARTS!!! And to EVERYBODY that has commented on Cindy’s SO BITTER/SWEET STORY, just know y’all are not Alone!! GOD’S GOT US!! I can tell by the PRECIOUS words and BLESSED ENCOURAGING LOVE sent to Cindy and her Family and to All Others needing HIS BLESSED TOUCH for whatever reason, these are coming from THE FAMILY OF GOD…..I have been so touched and BLESSED by your Story, Cindy, and ALL THE COMMENTS I HAVE READ!! I, too, have lost My Momma, Nephew that was like a son, and both my Brothers(Within 18 months apart)…my Daddy died 10 years ago this year, too!!! January 5th of this year, 8 years ago, now, is when my Momma went to be with THE LORD…It’s like it was yesterday… I ache with Pain for her each and every day! But, I’m so Thankful GOD took her home so she doesn’t have to suffer anymore! That helps with giving me PEACE for her passing…none of us wants to see our Loved ones have to suffer, but it’s like just one more day, LORD, just one more hour… I’m so very Blessed having come from a big family…I have my WONDERFUL GOD FEARING HUSBAND OF 40+ years, a Beautiful Daughter, and a Grandpuppy that GOD HAS SO RICHLY BLESSED ME WITH…I’m so very THANKFUL for my 4 Sisters, that I Love so Dearly…my oldest Sis’es are Twins, 10 years older than me…And I know no one can take the place of our Mommas, but my twin Sis’es are the closest I’ve got to having my Momma here!! I’m the Baby of the Family, so my siblings have always treated me as such!! And I’m not Complaining at all, lol!! I Pray each and everyone that has lost Loved Ones with KNOW WHO HOLDS OUR FUTURE, AND TRUST IN HIM, FOR HE IS OUR LORD, COMFORTER, HEALER, and only wants the best for each of us…I hate that this one-line comment turned into a page, but I’m not Sorry…..this has been so lethargic for me in this late night I’m having, not by choice…My PRAYER 🙏🏻 is that each and everyone of us HAVE PEACE THAT PASSETH ALL UNDERSTANDING……WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE…THANK YOU FATHER GOD FOR ALL THE MANY MANY WONDERFUL BLESSINGS WE HAVE RECEIVED!! I Loved reading each BLESSINGS part of your Story, Cindy!! My GOD give each one of us and our families the UNDERSTANDING YOU would have us to know of YOUR WORKINGS in our Lives…AMEN